By jL
Wearing this hot ass monkey suit during work, I thought about how I haven't written (or typed)anything personal pertaining to my life in the past 8 months. I analyzed how my past has been and tried to notice if I even grew as a person or changed.
Reading my last entry, it felt like I was a stranger. I knew that was me, but I just couldn't fathom the thought of how I wrote the way I did. I remember being in that state but it was like a refresher course for "ME 101." Of course things have changed for the better, some cases for the worse. But all an all I am growing as an indivudual. I finally got the balls to enroll in a Photography class at the Visual Arts Center. You can say that was the peak of my year, but unfortunately I'm going through the long process of withdrawling. By "long process" I mean that I'm procrastinating. For a fact, I know that's why I been down lately. I'm determined to go back this spring. It's just discouraging to get up the moutain to only fall short a step. Oh well, I'm making sure that won't stop me.
Besides that...my life feels mundane. I did let go of a few people in my life and then made room for some people in the past to come back. That in itself is another story.
By jL
I feel as if I am wasting away because I'm 22 years old, not in school, living with my mom, technically jobless, broke 98% of the time, as well as barely taking care of my financial responsibilities. I sit at home all day and if I'm not online wasting time I am in my comfortable bed sleeping the day away. Now I know all of this seems pathetic and I do see my potential to overcome all of this. I mean we are living this thing called LIFE and any situation we are put in, supposedly, we can get out of. No matter how hold the tight may be, or what kind of bind we may be in it's possible to recover from. Like what goes up must come down and vice versa.
Now earlier today, as I was driving home with my mom she asked me to take her to the store as we were about to turn down our exit street. It pissed me off to the point where I almost burst out in tears. Of course, I didn't. That's another subject (reference to how I no longer cry). But a shit load of thoughts ambused my brain and I felt as if I am going to be one of those people who are stuck forever. I felt like I was in quicksand, trapped in mud. I don't want my life to continue being like this. And by this I mean bound by my mother. Following her commands, putting my life on hold because she can't take care of herself like a normal American mother who is over 50 years old. Now a lot of people, "the outside looking in", will give me advice and of course I hear them out. But as for taking it into action. I obviously don't because I am still in this disposition. So they tell me how I got to life my life and a good quote was something to the extent of "you can't blame anyone but yourself for what happens" and how if i want to do something it's gonna have to be me and no one else. Yes. This is definitely true. The catch is am I ruthless enough to leave my mom stranded here while I life my life. It's definitely not fair of her for having this hold on me. She isn't going to learn how to drive for many reasons. And that reason alone is why I am here. I am the souffer. But back to reasoning. I feel like I am tied to my mother. She is my mother and she raised me. We aren't best friends like some children are with their parents but I owe her. But a part of me has resentment towards her. I can't put everything on hold. It's selfish of her. So does that make me selfish too, if I go and pursue my dreams and goals and leave her behind. It's time for me to leave the nest and grow up. Why can't she just kick me out the tree and let me be me. It's a big decision that I have to make and it's been plaguing me since my father died. If only he were here I would have been gone, but once again life isn't about what ifs and should have could have would have's. You life in the present for the future and not in the past or what if's. I just wish it was easier for me to go.
By jL
Hello world. Here I come and I'm ready to embark on the sweet struggle (dolce-lotta) that we call life.